Sports

Father Grateful Youth Soccer Is Teaching Son How to Be a Good Loser, a Lesson He Reinforces at Home Once a Month by Making Boy Sleep on the Sidewalk

NEWTON, MA—Praising the new program for teaching lessons he considers to be absolutely essential, local father Roger Carney told reporters Monday that he enrolled his ten-year-old son in youth soccer because it teaches the kid how to be a good loser, a lesson Carney said he makes sure to reinforce at home on a regular basis. “Sports teach him… Continued ›

Schools

College Replaces Finals-Week Therapy Dogs With Anxiety Elephants After Concluding Dogs Had Not Been Big Enough

HANOVER—Confused as to why its finals-week therapy dogs had done nothing to calm down the school’s panicking students, Brenson College announced Monday that… Continued ›

From the Experts

There Is Nothing I Love More Than Instilling a Pure Joy of Cinema, Which I Do Through Mandatory Attendance and a Curve

By Professor Gwendolyn Vogelmeyer, Guest Contributor People always ask what I do. Everyone apparently finds me super interesting. I do the most sacred thing any teacher… Continued ›

Sports

People Are Going to Make Them Do Things They Don’t Want to Someday, Says Coach Making Soccer Players Wrap Cobras Around Chopsticks Over a Fire Pit

BOISE—Defending a new conditioning drill that involves youth soccer players wrapping live cobras around a pair of chopsticks over an open fire pit, area coach… Continued ›

Schools

We Can’t Just Give Children Water Every Time They Claim to Need It, Says School Official Citing the Boy Who Cried Wolf

CRESTWOOD—Defending the school district’s policy of rationing water during practices and the school day, Crestwood High principal Debbie Grenier explained this week that children… Continued ›

Special Features

The Virtues

The Intellectual Virtues: A Glossary

Don't believe the lies. Curiosity The lie: learning something for its own sake. The truth: correctly guessing what the person in charge wants to be asked, and then asking it. Critical Thinking… Continued ›

Glossary

Water, n. wa·ter | \ˈwȯ-tər\ | noun

The dictionary we go by. 1. A substance required by most bodies, often withheld by powerful people at strategic intervals during a sporting event or typical Monday practice, for the purpose of building character.… Continued ›