There Is Nothing I Love More Than Instilling a Pure Joy of Cinema, Which I Do Through Mandatory Attendance and a Curve

By Professor Gwendolyn Vogelmeyer, Guest Contributor

People always ask what I do. Everyone apparently finds me super interesting. I do the most sacred thing any teacher can do:  I instill in my students a pure, lifelong love of cinema. How do I do this, you ask? Through grading. Attendance is mandatory and recorded. I shit the door at 7:04. Each of the four-hour silent films are on the exam, and I make sure to grade their devotion on a curve. That way, I can rank their love from most to least. Unfortunately, some of them only love cinema in the seventieth percentile. This love cannot be installed apart from fear. So when I darken the room and begin to take attendance, I can tell which students are feeling the correct amount.