HANOVER—Confused as to why its finals-week therapy dogs had done nothing to calm down the school’s panicking students, Brenson College announced Monday that it would be replacing them with a group of anxiety elephants. The decision came from the provost herself, having determined that dogs simply are not big enough. “Look, we tried the dogs, and freshmen were still found sobbing in the library. We were obviously missing something. And after careful deliberation with all relevant stakeholders, we reached the conclusion that it all came back to size,” Dr. Allen said. Sources confirm the college had considered and ruled out every other factor except tests, grades, Dr. Pierre’s red pen, and the consistent ranking and sorting of students, none of which, Allen noted, was really the job of a golden retriever to fix. At press time, with the elephants also failing miserably, the school was checking out a ballpark figure for a whale shark.